Posted on 2007.06.14 at 18:08
Its funny how emotions can be so incidious and sneaky. You can be going along just fine, confident, happy and content and then suddenly! Wham- everything changes. I try to act so self-aware, so ok with everything, so open, so…. Strong, but really I am just a scared, scarred, insecure little kid huddled in the corner. I can’t accept that I am anything that ppl tell me I am. I won’t listen when I am told I am pretty, or sexy, or smart or funny. God forbid I admit to the depth of my insecurity however. I must fight against that at all costs. I must never, ever, EVER admit that I may feel threatened or under any circumstances the dreaded J feeling. Most especially this must not happen in reference to someone younger, prettier or more interesting. I must act as though I do not care. That I am above all of it. That doubts do not exscist in my mind. Ha- if only that were possible! So- instead I have to accept that I have these silly, petty emotions. That they are like a virus that I must (and more importantly CAN) fight against. Then I have to strive to stop myself before I engage in the childish, cloying passive aggressive behavior I watch others enacting and instead try to be honest, sincere and ~well…. grounded.
We’ll see how it goes….